I was really squicked out by the middle third, so I want to give you the option to skip it if you'd rather. The following commentary is split into three parts because the book itself is, and. So here we are on the fourth and theoretically final book in terms of the actual plot moving forward. Twilight means never having to say you're kidding. Hand to God, I did not make one word of that up. In the third book, Jacob the best friend/boyfriend wannabe/werewolf turns into a total asshole trying to force himself on Bella, and a vampire with a grudge from the first book is trying to kill her, but more importantly, Bella and Edward argue about whether they should have sex, get married, and/or vampirize Bella, and in what order. And then her best friend falls in love with her and turns out to be a werewolf, but Bella runs away to save Edward from committing suicide by public sparkling in Italy. In the second book, Edward the sparkling vampire leaves Bella for her own good, and she spends most of the book trying to kill herself with motorcycles and cliff-diving. There she meets a mysterious boy who turns out to be a 100+ year-old vampire who literally sparkles "like diamonds" in direct sunlight and reads minds (but not hers), and after three hundred pages of Bella wondering why he's so mean to her and why he's so weird and why he's not being mean to her anymore and what his deal is and if he likes her and if he actually loves her and how much he loves her and how he could possibly love as someone as Mary Sue plain and boring and clumsy as she is and if his vampire family will like her, a plot finally shows up, but it doesn't last very long. Previously on As the Vampire Sparkles, emoteen Bella Swan moves to a tiny little depressing rainy town and won't shut up about it. If you would like to begin a three-part commentary on Breaking Dawn, please stay on the line. If you are sick of hearing about Twilight, please run screaming. If you would like a primer on the Twilight phenomenon, please press 5. If you would like to read a chapter-by-chapter commentary on the first half of Midnight Sun, please press 4. If you would like to read a chapter-by-chapter commentary on Eclipse, please press 3. If you would like to read a chapter-by-chapter commentary on New Moon, please press 2. If you would like to read a semi-academic discussion of the first Twilight book, please press 1. Thank you for calling Cleolinda Industries! We appreciate your interest and/or concern.
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